I'm tired of spending my time hiding in bed because I have nothing to wear. Because nothing fits me. I'm tired of using my fat as an excuse not to go to auditions. What's the point? I don't fit any of the roles, I'm too fat. They'll never cast me. I'm tired of sitting on my ass watching TV shows wishing I could be on them, but not getting the change because I'm too fat. I'm tired of wanting to take a dance class, but being afraid of being the fattest girl in the room. I'm tired of wanting to go for a run, to be that athletic girl, but chickening out at the last second. I'm tired of not having the confidence to talk to guys because what's the point? No one likes a fat chick. I'm tired of being the fat friend. I'm tired of the fact that I'm even writing this right now because I've written about it time and again and nothing changes.
It's now midnight. The time when I'm always super motivated. Oh, I say to myself, tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I'll finally make a change and be the girl I was meant to be. Tomorrow I won't sleep in. I'll go for a run before work. I'll eat healthy. I'll be happy. And yet...I never seem to make these changes.
Why? Why am I so stubborn? No, I know why. I know it's because I'm afraid that if I'm no longer fat, I'll have nothing to blame my shortcomings on. If I don't get cast, it's because I suck, not because of how I look. If I can't dance, it's not because I'm fat, it's because I suck. If I don't attract guys, it's not because I'm fat, it's because I'm not good enough as a person.
How pathetic is that?? How did I grow to have such little self esteem? I have two loving parents, a great extended family, and wonderful friends. Why can't I step it up and make the changes that I know will make my life better? What's the worst that could happen? I stay where I am in my life right now, but at least I'll be healthy. I'll have more energy! And have pants that actually fit. really, what more does a girl need? Things can't get any WORSE, they can only get better. If I continue on the way I've been living, things can and WILL get worse. I know this intellectually, but yet, again. here I am. wide awake because I slept till 1pm, completely wasting my day and any chance I had to start a healthy week.
I'm hoping that by perhaps airing all of my insecurities on the web, I'll force myself to change. I'll eat healthy and go to the gym. I'll start auditioning again (although, really, it's only been about a week and a half since my last one. I'm not TOTALLY slacking on that front. I just need to do MORE)., and really start taking control of my life and career. If I want it all so bad, I need to make it happen. I"m the only one who CAN.
I'm Becca. and I DO kick butt. :)