madmen me

Ugh...

Dear Becca,

You are not 21 any longer.  You can not go out drinking your face off and then get up and go to work the next morning.  You will feel like complete and utter shit and will have the mental capacity of a stapler.  Also?  You will crave nothing more than Fountain Coke which is full of sugars and calories and most importantly, points.  You can not afford these points since you drank your face off last night.  Also?  You forgot that while delicious, Blue Moon is not a light beer and therefore it is 3 points instead of 2. 

Please keep this all in mind the next time you decide to party like it's 2002. 

Sincerely,

Your Old Body

In other drinking related news, I'm most likely going to defy said Old Body tonight and drink more.  It's Amanda's birthday and i haven't seen her in months.  In fact, I haven't seen her since she got Gastric Bypass.  I'm not gonna lie, there's a part of me that's hugely jealous that she did that, but I am curious to see how the weight loss efforts are going.  I know she lost a ton in the begining (obviously), but now that she's able to eat (and drink!) whatever she feels like...is it still working?  Is she actually working out?  Is she taking this seriously and going about it in a healthy way rather than a vanity thing?  Man...I'm gonna need to be drunk to be at this bar with her.  I wish I didn't waste my beer  in  the fridge on pregaming for last night.  Tonight's when it will be needed.  There will be a lot of people there that I need to be drunk to be around.....  Maybe I won't go, though.  I got this e-mail to do some extra work for an adidas commercial paying $200 tomorrow morning.  The only catch?  6am call time.  bleah.  We'll see.

I also promised Jena I'd go out with her wed night.  This was stupid of me.  Not only does that girl drink like a fish, but Wed night I have class and might want to go out with my New Friends. I DO want to go out wed night  Next weeked will be filled with the Navy Boys so there will be plenty of drinking to be had with them.  Can't let them think i've turned into a pussy without them around!  ugh...I really need to cut back.  This is seriously one of my main problems.  I would save so much money if i stayed in as well.  I'm not good at going to a bar and not having a drink in my hand.  Maybe after the Navy Boy visit I'll stay in that week.  If I go out tonight and drink like I'm planning, I'll have been drunk 3 nights in a row.  Thankfully last week I stayed in, but the week before when Holly was in town I went out Tues (although, I think I only had one beer), Thurs, Fri, Sat, and drank all day Sunday.  This is not good.  Oh Alcohol, I just don't know how to quit you.

In other news, last night I had a dream that I got the role of Tracy in the National Tour of Hairspray.  I was quite disappointed to wake up and find it wasn't true.  Can we make this happen, please?  kthnxbi.
madmen me

This is why I do what I do

This is long and I"m going to brag.  But Goddamnit I feel good.

About a year ago I started getting e-mails for this class taught by one of the major casting directors here in the city.  He casts almost every non-eq tour there is, including Hairspray.  I responded to one of them asking how I had been put on the e-mail list, and someone responded saying that Bob sent them out to people that he liked in an audition setting (i.e. people he's called back before).  I thought this was pretty cool, but the timing never seemed right any time classes were offered. 

Once I even went so far as to hold a spot, but then the money fell through so I couldn't take it at that time.  Plus, I think I was mostly just scared.  Going into an audition is one thing.   The best is, "great job, can you come back later/tomorrow/next week/whenever for the call back". The worst thing they say to you is, "thank you".  That's it.  No feed back, nothing.  You don't necesarrily know WHY you get a call back, what you did at that particular audition that was better than the one the day before.  Sometimes it's comforting.  You can peg it all as oh so mysterious.  You were just "more right" for that one role than you were the other. 

I wanted to prepare myself for the class first.  I wanted to get some new songs from my voice teacher, perfect them before I could have them torn apart, but money and time just seemed to get in the way.  I mean, this class is taught by a Casting Director!  Not some schmo off the street.  A Casting Director who could feasibly cast me in a leading role of a national tour! 

Two weeks ago, I went to an audition he was running for the Nationl Tour of Drowsy Chaperone with my friend Sarah.  Sarah had taken his class before and LOVED it.  We accidentally went to the Male audition instead (long story), but he made sure Sarah was seen because he knew her from class.  That's when it hit me.  I need to just suck this up and do it.  The next e-mail I got for the class, I made sure I had a space reserved.

Today was the first day of class.  I was all kinds of nervous.  I didn't know what to expect from him, from the class itself, from the other students, etc.  I was also nervous because the first day he wanted 32 bars.  I don't really HAVE a good 32 bar cut of a song, so I thought he'd tear me apart.  Also?  My book kind of sucks.  I don't have enough songs and half of the ones I DO have I photo copied wrong so the bottom notes of the bottom row are all cut off.  Whoops.  I was expecting to be torn a new one for that too.  As a performer, I need to have a song ready to go at any second. 

We go into the room, and he talks about his philosophy of auditioning.  A lot of the stuff I already knew mentally, but always seem to fail to apply in an audition situation.  It was kind of a kick in the pants. I need to step up my game.  Just hearing him talk about how he used to tour and all the roles he got before he went into casting made me salivate.  I want that so fucking bad.  SO bad. 

After that, he took us into the room one at a time where we sang our song for him.  I chose "Not for the Life of Me" form TMM because it's very Tracy-Like without being directly from Hairspray.  He seemed to enjoy it and gave me some pointers to make it better.  I used what he gave me and it seemed to work.  I only sang it through twice for him in the room (others seemed to work on theirs a bit).  Later, we all went into the room and sang our songs for the group.  Some people were really good, others...well, quite mediocre honestly.  I'm not gonna lie, it was a bit of a confidence boost (hey, I never claimed to be a good person, damnit!). 

Finally, it's my turn to sing.  I made sure i did every little thing he told me.  I put everything into it.  It felt fucking amazing.  I enjoyed it so much.  There's nothing I like better than owning a song, making it my bitch.  and Oh my friends, that's exactly what I did.  He didn't even have me do anything over again.  There were only 2 of us that only had to sing it through once.  Honestly, if I were skinny, she and I would be competing for roles.  She's short, blonde, can play cutesy, but has a big voice just like I do. 

I totally bonded with some of the other students already and yeah.  I can't wait until the next class.  It just made me so excited to get back out there and start auditioning again.  Sadly, I only found one to go to this week, but I submitted a hell of a lot of stuff on nycastings so hopefully someone will take notice. 

I love this job.  I love this city.  I love singing and acting and combining the two.  I love kicking butt. :) 
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madmen me

A new blog, a new me?

It's time for a change. 

I'm  tired of spending my time hiding in bed because I have nothing to wear.  Because nothing fits me.  I'm tired of using my fat as an excuse not to go to auditions.  What's the point?  I don't fit any of the roles, I'm too fat.  They'll never cast me.  I'm tired of sitting on my ass watching TV shows wishing I could be on them, but not getting the change because I'm too fat.  I'm tired of wanting to take a dance class, but being afraid of being the fattest girl in the room.  I'm tired of wanting to go for a run, to be that athletic girl, but chickening out at the last second.  I'm tired of not having the confidence to talk to guys because what's the point?  No one likes a fat chick.  I'm tired of being the fat friend.  I'm tired of the fact that I'm even writing this right now because I've written about it time and again and nothing changes. 

It's now midnight.  The time when I'm always super motivated.  Oh, I say to myself, tomorrow will be different.  Tomorrow I'll finally make a change and be the girl I was meant to be.  Tomorrow I won't sleep in.  I'll go for a run before work.  I'll eat healthy.  I'll be happy.  And yet...I never seem to make these changes. 

Why?  Why am I so stubborn?  No, I know why.  I know it's because I'm afraid that if I'm no longer fat, I'll have nothing to blame my shortcomings on.  If I don't get cast, it's because I suck, not because of how I look.  If I can't dance, it's not because I'm fat, it's because I suck.  If I don't attract guys, it's not because I'm fat, it's because I'm not good enough as a person.

How pathetic is that??  How did I grow to have such little self esteem?  I have two loving parents, a great extended family, and wonderful friends.  Why can't I step it up and make the changes that I know will make my life better?  What's the worst that could happen?  I stay where I am in my life right now, but at least I'll be healthy.  I'll have more energy!  And have pants that actually fit.  really, what more does a girl need?  Things can't get any WORSE, they can only get better.  If I continue on the way I've been living, things can and WILL get worse.  I know this intellectually, but yet, again.  here I am.  wide awake because I slept till 1pm, completely wasting my day and any chance I had to start a healthy week.

I'm hoping that by perhaps airing all of my insecurities on the web, I'll force myself to change.  I'll eat healthy and go to the gym.  I'll start auditioning again (although, really, it's only been about a week and a half since my last one.  I'm not TOTALLY slacking on that front.  I just need to do MORE)., and really start taking control of my life and career.  If I want it all so bad, I need to make it happen.  I"m the only one who CAN.  

I'm Becca.  and I DO kick butt.  :)